Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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