my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
