Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His nipple licking is glorious
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