is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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