when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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