Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
