I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
