Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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