if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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