and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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