you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
