I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
