We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
