hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
