You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
