bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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