Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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