Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
