farters have to be the big spoon...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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