he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
