I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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