You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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