We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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