overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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