i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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