Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
