You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
