I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
