I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
