You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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