there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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