I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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