i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
