last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
