The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
