I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
