Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
