The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
