I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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