my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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