Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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