I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
