as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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