Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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