for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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