I think I won the penis lottery.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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