You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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