i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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