I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
