i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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