I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just gargled with NyQuil
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
